Yes, I Jeremy am a fool.
The end.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Inexpressable
I have never felt so... inexpressable. I feel lower than low.
I have a girlfriend. I love her. But she is not the girl that I have been writing about. It is a different girl. I am still unsure to this day of how it happened, I can start by saying I probably should have never touched her to start with because that is what started my infatuation for her. I do not regret what I have done but I feel a great amount of guilt, not because of my girlfriend but the action of getting one.
I broke another girls heart. A girl who's friendship that meant more to me than anything else in the world, a girl which I loved deeper than anything else in the world, a girl who kept me righeous and smart, a girl who made me feel closer to God just by being around her. I threw all that away.
Not the smartest move I have ever made I would say. I have made a choice though and I will follow through with it. No need to break two hearts if I can help it. Though I'm afraid that might be inevitable, I hope its not. I am in no mood to think pesimistically, because to be honest what I have said so far is optimistic.
I have lost a best friend to get closer to a different best friend. I feel like the scum of the earth.
I have a girlfriend. I love her. But she is not the girl that I have been writing about. It is a different girl. I am still unsure to this day of how it happened, I can start by saying I probably should have never touched her to start with because that is what started my infatuation for her. I do not regret what I have done but I feel a great amount of guilt, not because of my girlfriend but the action of getting one.
I broke another girls heart. A girl who's friendship that meant more to me than anything else in the world, a girl which I loved deeper than anything else in the world, a girl who kept me righeous and smart, a girl who made me feel closer to God just by being around her. I threw all that away.
Not the smartest move I have ever made I would say. I have made a choice though and I will follow through with it. No need to break two hearts if I can help it. Though I'm afraid that might be inevitable, I hope its not. I am in no mood to think pesimistically, because to be honest what I have said so far is optimistic.
I have lost a best friend to get closer to a different best friend. I feel like the scum of the earth.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Two
I dunno what to say, I guess there is no debate in my mind. Though I have discovered that even when you love a person its easy to spend time with other people and be perfectly content. Its weird, though I really know what I want in the long run. I hope that God is looking out for me right now, cause I think I've been doing a lousy job of looking out for myself. Geh, I really dont know what to say.
I'm pretty sure this girl likes me, and I'm pretty sure I like her too, we've been pretty much attached at the hip the past couple days, people think we are going out. I don't blame them, I would think we were going out if I saw us. I think its about time for a good old determine the relationship. And I think what is probably going to be determined that what is happening is not a bad thing, but is probably not a good thing. Geh, I don't know.... I think I'm going to try to end things before they get to serious, and she might be expecting me to officialize things. I'm tempted, I can't say that I am not, she is very cute and a very good cuddler. Eternal Perspective, that is what I need. If she tried to kiss me, I dont know what I would do, I think I would kiss her back. I need to resist though, I think I can. Especially sinse I'm in love with another girl, oddly enough I'm not really stressed out about this, I think its going to work out, I'm just... tired.... cause its late. Yeah, that. :) I don't know. More report later.
I'm pretty sure this girl likes me, and I'm pretty sure I like her too, we've been pretty much attached at the hip the past couple days, people think we are going out. I don't blame them, I would think we were going out if I saw us. I think its about time for a good old determine the relationship. And I think what is probably going to be determined that what is happening is not a bad thing, but is probably not a good thing. Geh, I don't know.... I think I'm going to try to end things before they get to serious, and she might be expecting me to officialize things. I'm tempted, I can't say that I am not, she is very cute and a very good cuddler. Eternal Perspective, that is what I need. If she tried to kiss me, I dont know what I would do, I think I would kiss her back. I need to resist though, I think I can. Especially sinse I'm in love with another girl, oddly enough I'm not really stressed out about this, I think its going to work out, I'm just... tired.... cause its late. Yeah, that. :) I don't know. More report later.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Awake
So there are a thousand people in my room right now.
I want to go to sleep in 15 minutes.
I'm tired. Geh. I'm too nice to tell them to leave.
I want to go to sleep in 15 minutes.
I'm tired. Geh. I'm too nice to tell them to leave.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Spirit
Is it not amazing? Everything around us, how things affect us, and how things can carry with us and we wont even know until its gone, until we have it to leave? "If you are not as close to God today as you were yesterday, who moved? So be it." Love it.
Its amazing how a simple mistake can show me how far along I have come, and how close to to the spirit I actually am. I am glad God is so forgiving, I felt so empty, so slow, so weak, so foolish, so unprepared... it was unexpected but the cause was definately recognizable. After humble prayer and study I felt the same great difference, but the other way, I had it back and maybe more. Perhaps that was a lesson I was meant to learn. Never the less, I am grateful, and sorry for what happened. There were two things said to me by close friends, first was: "That wasnt that bad, I do it all the time, why are you fretting?" and "I am glad you felt bad, because it means that you have the spirit with you." I appriciate the latter, I really know that God is real and he loves me, and everyone else, I've been feeling it the past three months, but I had become so accustomed to it I had begun to take it for granted.
Also this experiance has allowed me to see a contrast in two different emotions, love and dare I say "lust" though I think the word is too powerful. A girl that I would have had a crush on two years ago because she was pretty and she made me feel good no longer has that affect on me, in fact I felt sick, fear not, I didnt even kiss her, I just had a cuddle experiance! But on the other hand, I choose not to act upon the chemestry when I am around this other girl, because I love her, I dont want to do anything that would hurt her, I have an upmost respect for her. If she were still around when I got off my mission I imagine that I would take life to the next step with her. But that time is not now, that time is later, right now I am preparing to go on a mission, and she is helping me with that.
Its amazing how a simple mistake can show me how far along I have come, and how close to to the spirit I actually am. I am glad God is so forgiving, I felt so empty, so slow, so weak, so foolish, so unprepared... it was unexpected but the cause was definately recognizable. After humble prayer and study I felt the same great difference, but the other way, I had it back and maybe more. Perhaps that was a lesson I was meant to learn. Never the less, I am grateful, and sorry for what happened. There were two things said to me by close friends, first was: "That wasnt that bad, I do it all the time, why are you fretting?" and "I am glad you felt bad, because it means that you have the spirit with you." I appriciate the latter, I really know that God is real and he loves me, and everyone else, I've been feeling it the past three months, but I had become so accustomed to it I had begun to take it for granted.
Also this experiance has allowed me to see a contrast in two different emotions, love and dare I say "lust" though I think the word is too powerful. A girl that I would have had a crush on two years ago because she was pretty and she made me feel good no longer has that affect on me, in fact I felt sick, fear not, I didnt even kiss her, I just had a cuddle experiance! But on the other hand, I choose not to act upon the chemestry when I am around this other girl, because I love her, I dont want to do anything that would hurt her, I have an upmost respect for her. If she were still around when I got off my mission I imagine that I would take life to the next step with her. But that time is not now, that time is later, right now I am preparing to go on a mission, and she is helping me with that.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Intoxicated
*Speechless and silent* That is how I'm feeling right now. I feel beautiful, alive, aware, and so much more. I can't say to that I can pinpoint the cause. But I think I know what it is, because its becomeing more and more a familiar feeling.
Her.
She doesnt want to kiss till marrage. She's worth the wait. She doesn't want to be a girlfriend right now. She is worth the wait. She wants to go on a mission. She is worth the wait. She is kind, intellegent, beautiful, intuitive, giving, understanding, pure, helpful, and respectful... I could go on forever. I dont know if I am in love. But I know I do love her and if there is a better girl than her out there I'd like to meet this girl.
I want.... to be perfect, everything she wants. She has told me that there isnt anything about me that she does not like, but I want to be more, and I am becoming more.
Who knows, maybe this is all a fluke. But I feel alive.
In the name of Heaven
Her.
She doesnt want to kiss till marrage. She's worth the wait. She doesn't want to be a girlfriend right now. She is worth the wait. She wants to go on a mission. She is worth the wait. She is kind, intellegent, beautiful, intuitive, giving, understanding, pure, helpful, and respectful... I could go on forever. I dont know if I am in love. But I know I do love her and if there is a better girl than her out there I'd like to meet this girl.
I want.... to be perfect, everything she wants. She has told me that there isnt anything about me that she does not like, but I want to be more, and I am becoming more.
Who knows, maybe this is all a fluke. But I feel alive.
In the name of Heaven
Monday, September 1, 2008
Love, learning, and the tired life
Hm... I hate missing people, well person. Geh.
I've started school, its really busy and I'm learning a lot. By the time it hits 9:30 I'm exhasted. I wake up at 5:30 though. I dunno, its good though.
I discovered that I love someone the other day. I've suspected it for a while but I tried to hold off the flood gates, I dont know what to do now. Its upsetting, I'm not afraid to do anything, but I don't want to be in love right now, there are more important things. Not to mention... before I persue her, I want to be everything I want to be, which corresponds with what she wants me to be. I think she might like me back. I can wait though. She is worth the wait.
In the name of waiting
I've started school, its really busy and I'm learning a lot. By the time it hits 9:30 I'm exhasted. I wake up at 5:30 though. I dunno, its good though.
I discovered that I love someone the other day. I've suspected it for a while but I tried to hold off the flood gates, I dont know what to do now. Its upsetting, I'm not afraid to do anything, but I don't want to be in love right now, there are more important things. Not to mention... before I persue her, I want to be everything I want to be, which corresponds with what she wants me to be. I think she might like me back. I can wait though. She is worth the wait.
In the name of waiting
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