Home

I've realized something. Home is not where I thought it was, home is no longer where I live. Or rather where I sleep at night, home is where you are. When I'm without you I am truely home sick, I spend all of my waking life with you and some of my sleeping and yet I have never gotten sick of you.

I miss you.

Resolution

Well, I have resolved the question that has been left unanswered for over a year. I don't really know what to say... It was good to talk to her again get to understand each other and what we were feeling. Things are definitely looking up. I don't know if I said this before, but I believe that when you are at the bottom of a hole you can only look up. I am at the bottom, and I am looking up.

Thank you Lord for that small comfort.

Now for the matter of me being a fence sitter, people say that I am far too passive for my own good, I really disagree. I don't know what to say, its hard to know.

Thanks for reading to all those who read.

single

Yes, I am single again. It's sad but it needed to happen. We both need some time to grow up.

I don't know what I'm going to do anymore, I have somewhat of a plan. I hope I follow through.

I am still in love. And I don't think I will ever get that back, I really feel like that boat sunk a long time ago. I need some time to figure things out. I hope there still is hope.

Inexpressable

I have never felt so... inexpressable. I feel lower than low.

I have a girlfriend. I love her. But she is not the girl that I have been writing about. It is a different girl. I am still unsure to this day of how it happened, I can start by saying I probably should have never touched her to start with because that is what started my infatuation for her. I do not regret what I have done but I feel a great amount of guilt, not because of my girlfriend but the action of getting one.

I broke another girls heart. A girl who's friendship that meant more to me than anything else in the world, a girl which I loved deeper than anything else in the world, a girl who kept me righeous and smart, a girl who made me feel closer to God just by being around her. I threw all that away.

Not the smartest move I have ever made I would say. I have made a choice though and I will follow through with it. No need to break two hearts if I can help it. Though I'm afraid that might be inevitable, I hope its not. I am in no mood to think pesimistically, because to be honest what I have said so far is optimistic.

I have lost a best friend to get closer to a different best friend. I feel like the scum of the earth.

Two

I dunno what to say, I guess there is no debate in my mind. Though I have discovered that even when you love a person its easy to spend time with other people and be perfectly content. Its weird, though I really know what I want in the long run. I hope that God is looking out for me right now, cause I think I've been doing a lousy job of looking out for myself. Geh, I really dont know what to say.

I'm pretty sure this girl likes me, and I'm pretty sure I like her too, we've been pretty much attached at the hip the past couple days, people think we are going out. I don't blame them, I would think we were going out if I saw us. I think its about time for a good old determine the relationship. And I think what is probably going to be determined that what is happening is not a bad thing, but is probably not a good thing. Geh, I don't know.... I think I'm going to try to end things before they get to serious, and she might be expecting me to officialize things. I'm tempted, I can't say that I am not, she is very cute and a very good cuddler. Eternal Perspective, that is what I need. If she tried to kiss me, I dont know what I would do, I think I would kiss her back. I need to resist though, I think I can. Especially sinse I'm in love with another girl, oddly enough I'm not really stressed out about this, I think its going to work out, I'm just... tired.... cause its late. Yeah, that. :) I don't know. More report later.

Spirit

Is it not amazing? Everything around us, how things affect us, and how things can carry with us and we wont even know until its gone, until we have it to leave? "If you are not as close to God today as you were yesterday, who moved? So be it." Love it.

Its amazing how a simple mistake can show me how far along I have come, and how close to to the spirit I actually am. I am glad God is so forgiving, I felt so empty, so slow, so weak, so foolish, so unprepared... it was unexpected but the cause was definately recognizable. After humble prayer and study I felt the same great difference, but the other way, I had it back and maybe more. Perhaps that was a lesson I was meant to learn. Never the less, I am grateful, and sorry for what happened. There were two things said to me by close friends, first was: "That wasnt that bad, I do it all the time, why are you fretting?" and "I am glad you felt bad, because it means that you have the spirit with you." I appriciate the latter, I really know that God is real and he loves me, and everyone else, I've been feeling it the past three months, but I had become so accustomed to it I had begun to take it for granted.

Also this experiance has allowed me to see a contrast in two different emotions, love and dare I say "lust" though I think the word is too powerful. A girl that I would have had a crush on two years ago because she was pretty and she made me feel good no longer has that affect on me, in fact I felt sick, fear not, I didnt even kiss her, I just had a cuddle experiance! But on the other hand, I choose not to act upon the chemestry when I am around this other girl, because I love her, I dont want to do anything that would hurt her, I have an upmost respect for her. If she were still around when I got off my mission I imagine that I would take life to the next step with her. But that time is not now, that time is later, right now I am preparing to go on a mission, and she is helping me with that.

Intoxicated

*Speechless and silent* That is how I'm feeling right now. I feel beautiful, alive, aware, and so much more. I can't say to that I can pinpoint the cause. But I think I know what it is, because its becomeing more and more a familiar feeling.

Her.

She doesnt want to kiss till marrage. She's worth the wait. She doesn't want to be a girlfriend right now. She is worth the wait. She wants to go on a mission. She is worth the wait. She is kind, intellegent, beautiful, intuitive, giving, understanding, pure, helpful, and respectful... I could go on forever. I dont know if I am in love. But I know I do love her and if there is a better girl than her out there I'd like to meet this girl.

I want.... to be perfect, everything she wants. She has told me that there isnt anything about me that she does not like, but I want to be more, and I am becoming more.

Who knows, maybe this is all a fluke. But I feel alive.

In the name of Heaven

Love, learning, and the tired life

Hm... I hate missing people, well person. Geh.

I've started school, its really busy and I'm learning a lot. By the time it hits 9:30 I'm exhasted. I wake up at 5:30 though. I dunno, its good though.

I discovered that I love someone the other day. I've suspected it for a while but I tried to hold off the flood gates, I dont know what to do now. Its upsetting, I'm not afraid to do anything, but I don't want to be in love right now, there are more important things. Not to mention... before I persue her, I want to be everything I want to be, which corresponds with what she wants me to be. I think she might like me back. I can wait though. She is worth the wait.

In the name of waiting

Opera

I am definately in a quiet mood right now. I'm happy, but thoughtful. It's odd. I'm listening to Death Cab For Cutie "I Will Possess Your Heart" Its a fantastic song. But really I like Death Cab in General.

The two weeks are over and things can start rolling again. :)

I went on a date last night, it was pretty darn fun, she is nice, but I dont think I am interested in her. She's just gorgeous. We went to the opera. I feel cultured now, it was really good.

I'm excited for this week, who knows what adventures I will take.

Happy

I'm poor, I'm single, I have a lame job, all of my friends are leaveing and I'm starting a stressful year of school.

And I'm happy. Ha! How did that work out? I dont know. Sometimes I get in my 'quiet' mood though. I dont really know how to describe the emotion there, I just feel quiet and ... aware. Its strange is as I can feel everything in and around me one hundered fold. But I am happy.

Strange

Again

It seems as though things are finally starting to look up for me again. As far as Love, Learning, and the Busy Life I'm definately going to be doing that again. I'm starting school, which is good, I'm really excited to finally expand my knowlege at a substancial level. That will make me busy as well. As far as love goes. I don't know if I have found love, but I definately found a good canidate. She is pretty, adventurous, kind, and smart. What else could one ask for? I think I'm ready for this stage in my life to re-begin. I never left it, I just took a break from it. I started doing nothing in particular ended up breaking my arm in the process which is now healing. Good thing too, cause I'm getting sick of it being broken.

What?

It strange, right now I have no love, no learning and I'm not busy. It's so strange, I was talking about love with some friends of mine (girls) and I just feel..... Gah! I dunno. Its just getting really weird I really want to fall in love, but I also want to be alone, but I dont know what I want more. Hmm.... Why is life so complicated?

Lonely

I've got a lot of friends that love me right now, but I'm just lonely and sad. I'm really missing those three. They've all moved on and yet my mind is stuck. I want a girl to love right now.

Tired

I'm really tired, and I'm really dumb. I dont really think I want to interprit what that means either. Shoot, I really should be sleeping right now, but I'm too busy not sleeping.

I miss love. I would take any of them back in a heartbeat. I know I would, little good it would do me though, it would end up in flames, just as it did before. There has got to be someone out there for me, somewhere..... maybe.

I'm trying to turn my life back around again. I'm doing a terrible job at it. I can get to a certain point easily, but then it all just haults at a standstill. I'm feeling kind of retarded, maybe I am. I wouldnt be surprised if I found out.

All my friends are going on missions, I'm really happy for them, but at the same time I am sad, sad that they are not going to be around, and sad that I can't make myself be better. I have less control over myself than anyone else. That is sad.

Goodnight

Remember?

Do remember when we were just happy? So carefree, we did what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it. Remember, it was right after we made up, life was so ... blissful then, now its all just bland, not depressing or sad, just bland. I dont know about you, but I want that back. When we could just be together, we didnt have to do anything or think, just talk or goof off, or we could just sit in silence. We could kiss when we wanted, and we could not kiss when we didnt want to. No obligation, but no restriction, just freedom, just simple pleasurable life. Easy, fun, happy.

Oh how I wish.

Blegh

So.... tired these days, not to mention a little disgruntled. Love is screwed up. It works, but its weird. I'm not saying anything bad has happened. I'm just getting sick of waiting, oh well. :) other than that I am doing super great.... and tired.... and sick. lol! ok, really I have something to complain about, but really I am happy and I want to keep it that way! Yay!

I went to coffee again tonight, I didnt get coffee, neither did she, but it was still way fun. The girl that was closing was way fun. I think she was way cute and way funny. Lol! I like the girl I went to coffee with better though :). Too bad she has a boyfriend. :/ Well anywho, small update. Have a super day my lovely readers.

Move On

I have searched long and hard for a girl to fit my dreams. When I found her I thought myself to be in love only to be stopped by something I did not understand, just a road block on the way to love. I was not in love with her, I had no reason to not be aside from the fact I did not feel like I was in love.

Then I found the person that filled in the gaps, not necessarily my juvinile dream girl. Not exactly the girl I dreamed of, but the girl that I currently dream of. The girl that I never get boared around, the girl that I can never stay angry at and never stays angry at me. The girl whos name worms its way into every conversation I have, the girl that I am always wanting to be spending time with but too afraid to call, the girl that I never know what to do around but I always feel comftorble. Now it feels as though finally she is slipping through my fingers, its been hard enough to hold onto her for this long. I love her, but at long last I think I really going to start looking again. I want to wait, but I need to move on. I love her, but what is the point if I'll never have her? :/ Its a work in progress, I dont exactly know what is going on, she never really tells me, I have been willing to wait. I dont know. I'm just ....afraid. I cant get her out of my head, no other girl seems to be able to hold a candle to her, not even the girl that I thought was absolutely perfect. Its not that she is better than any of these other girls, its that I guess I feel like she is better for me. But like I said, maybe it is time I start really trying, because I'm not going anywhere with her, I feel like I keep getting closer, but the rainbow that she is its really impossible to actually reach her.

In other news, I have discoverd A.F.I. I love them. I am now going to be working around 60 hours a week. I have calculated that I will prolly have three hours of free time in the evening, and that is what my days will consist of until the weekend.

I still think you should dump him for me, if you dont I'm happy for you and hope things work out for you. I love you.

Date

Yes, I went on the date, and it was much better than I could have asked for. Thankfully the girl that I took was in good humor and took my side comments from my one track mind about another girl. Yes, no tact, what can I say?

The other two friends seemed to be getting along quite well. I'm excited. My favorite comment went something like this, "this is where you put your arm around me." She requires him to be the man, but is willing to be the one with initive. Hahahaha. Well its late now, I'm excited for coffee tomarrow with my older friends and the girl I like..... a lot.... right now.

Anywho, 'night!