Resolution

Well, I have resolved the question that has been left unanswered for over a year. I don't really know what to say... It was good to talk to her again get to understand each other and what we were feeling. Things are definitely looking up. I don't know if I said this before, but I believe that when you are at the bottom of a hole you can only look up. I am at the bottom, and I am looking up.

Thank you Lord for that small comfort.

Now for the matter of me being a fence sitter, people say that I am far too passive for my own good, I really disagree. I don't know what to say, its hard to know.

Thanks for reading to all those who read.

single

Yes, I am single again. It's sad but it needed to happen. We both need some time to grow up.

I don't know what I'm going to do anymore, I have somewhat of a plan. I hope I follow through.

I am still in love. And I don't think I will ever get that back, I really feel like that boat sunk a long time ago. I need some time to figure things out. I hope there still is hope.

Fool

Yes, I Jeremy am a fool.

The end.

Inexpressable

I have never felt so... inexpressable. I feel lower than low.

I have a girlfriend. I love her. But she is not the girl that I have been writing about. It is a different girl. I am still unsure to this day of how it happened, I can start by saying I probably should have never touched her to start with because that is what started my infatuation for her. I do not regret what I have done but I feel a great amount of guilt, not because of my girlfriend but the action of getting one.

I broke another girls heart. A girl who's friendship that meant more to me than anything else in the world, a girl which I loved deeper than anything else in the world, a girl who kept me righeous and smart, a girl who made me feel closer to God just by being around her. I threw all that away.

Not the smartest move I have ever made I would say. I have made a choice though and I will follow through with it. No need to break two hearts if I can help it. Though I'm afraid that might be inevitable, I hope its not. I am in no mood to think pesimistically, because to be honest what I have said so far is optimistic.

I have lost a best friend to get closer to a different best friend. I feel like the scum of the earth.

Two

I dunno what to say, I guess there is no debate in my mind. Though I have discovered that even when you love a person its easy to spend time with other people and be perfectly content. Its weird, though I really know what I want in the long run. I hope that God is looking out for me right now, cause I think I've been doing a lousy job of looking out for myself. Geh, I really dont know what to say.

I'm pretty sure this girl likes me, and I'm pretty sure I like her too, we've been pretty much attached at the hip the past couple days, people think we are going out. I don't blame them, I would think we were going out if I saw us. I think its about time for a good old determine the relationship. And I think what is probably going to be determined that what is happening is not a bad thing, but is probably not a good thing. Geh, I don't know.... I think I'm going to try to end things before they get to serious, and she might be expecting me to officialize things. I'm tempted, I can't say that I am not, she is very cute and a very good cuddler. Eternal Perspective, that is what I need. If she tried to kiss me, I dont know what I would do, I think I would kiss her back. I need to resist though, I think I can. Especially sinse I'm in love with another girl, oddly enough I'm not really stressed out about this, I think its going to work out, I'm just... tired.... cause its late. Yeah, that. :) I don't know. More report later.

Awake

So there are a thousand people in my room right now.

I want to go to sleep in 15 minutes.

I'm tired. Geh. I'm too nice to tell them to leave.

Spirit

Is it not amazing? Everything around us, how things affect us, and how things can carry with us and we wont even know until its gone, until we have it to leave? "If you are not as close to God today as you were yesterday, who moved? So be it." Love it.

Its amazing how a simple mistake can show me how far along I have come, and how close to to the spirit I actually am. I am glad God is so forgiving, I felt so empty, so slow, so weak, so foolish, so unprepared... it was unexpected but the cause was definately recognizable. After humble prayer and study I felt the same great difference, but the other way, I had it back and maybe more. Perhaps that was a lesson I was meant to learn. Never the less, I am grateful, and sorry for what happened. There were two things said to me by close friends, first was: "That wasnt that bad, I do it all the time, why are you fretting?" and "I am glad you felt bad, because it means that you have the spirit with you." I appriciate the latter, I really know that God is real and he loves me, and everyone else, I've been feeling it the past three months, but I had become so accustomed to it I had begun to take it for granted.

Also this experiance has allowed me to see a contrast in two different emotions, love and dare I say "lust" though I think the word is too powerful. A girl that I would have had a crush on two years ago because she was pretty and she made me feel good no longer has that affect on me, in fact I felt sick, fear not, I didnt even kiss her, I just had a cuddle experiance! But on the other hand, I choose not to act upon the chemestry when I am around this other girl, because I love her, I dont want to do anything that would hurt her, I have an upmost respect for her. If she were still around when I got off my mission I imagine that I would take life to the next step with her. But that time is not now, that time is later, right now I am preparing to go on a mission, and she is helping me with that.