Home

I've realized something. Home is not where I thought it was, home is no longer where I live. Or rather where I sleep at night, home is where you are. When I'm without you I am truely home sick, I spend all of my waking life with you and some of my sleeping and yet I have never gotten sick of you.

I miss you.

Resolution

Well, I have resolved the question that has been left unanswered for over a year. I don't really know what to say... It was good to talk to her again get to understand each other and what we were feeling. Things are definitely looking up. I don't know if I said this before, but I believe that when you are at the bottom of a hole you can only look up. I am at the bottom, and I am looking up.

Thank you Lord for that small comfort.

Now for the matter of me being a fence sitter, people say that I am far too passive for my own good, I really disagree. I don't know what to say, its hard to know.

Thanks for reading to all those who read.

single

Yes, I am single again. It's sad but it needed to happen. We both need some time to grow up.

I don't know what I'm going to do anymore, I have somewhat of a plan. I hope I follow through.

I am still in love. And I don't think I will ever get that back, I really feel like that boat sunk a long time ago. I need some time to figure things out. I hope there still is hope.

Fool

Yes, I Jeremy am a fool.

The end.

Inexpressable

I have never felt so... inexpressable. I feel lower than low.

I have a girlfriend. I love her. But she is not the girl that I have been writing about. It is a different girl. I am still unsure to this day of how it happened, I can start by saying I probably should have never touched her to start with because that is what started my infatuation for her. I do not regret what I have done but I feel a great amount of guilt, not because of my girlfriend but the action of getting one.

I broke another girls heart. A girl who's friendship that meant more to me than anything else in the world, a girl which I loved deeper than anything else in the world, a girl who kept me righeous and smart, a girl who made me feel closer to God just by being around her. I threw all that away.

Not the smartest move I have ever made I would say. I have made a choice though and I will follow through with it. No need to break two hearts if I can help it. Though I'm afraid that might be inevitable, I hope its not. I am in no mood to think pesimistically, because to be honest what I have said so far is optimistic.

I have lost a best friend to get closer to a different best friend. I feel like the scum of the earth.

Two

I dunno what to say, I guess there is no debate in my mind. Though I have discovered that even when you love a person its easy to spend time with other people and be perfectly content. Its weird, though I really know what I want in the long run. I hope that God is looking out for me right now, cause I think I've been doing a lousy job of looking out for myself. Geh, I really dont know what to say.

I'm pretty sure this girl likes me, and I'm pretty sure I like her too, we've been pretty much attached at the hip the past couple days, people think we are going out. I don't blame them, I would think we were going out if I saw us. I think its about time for a good old determine the relationship. And I think what is probably going to be determined that what is happening is not a bad thing, but is probably not a good thing. Geh, I don't know.... I think I'm going to try to end things before they get to serious, and she might be expecting me to officialize things. I'm tempted, I can't say that I am not, she is very cute and a very good cuddler. Eternal Perspective, that is what I need. If she tried to kiss me, I dont know what I would do, I think I would kiss her back. I need to resist though, I think I can. Especially sinse I'm in love with another girl, oddly enough I'm not really stressed out about this, I think its going to work out, I'm just... tired.... cause its late. Yeah, that. :) I don't know. More report later.

Awake

So there are a thousand people in my room right now.

I want to go to sleep in 15 minutes.

I'm tired. Geh. I'm too nice to tell them to leave.

Spirit

Is it not amazing? Everything around us, how things affect us, and how things can carry with us and we wont even know until its gone, until we have it to leave? "If you are not as close to God today as you were yesterday, who moved? So be it." Love it.

Its amazing how a simple mistake can show me how far along I have come, and how close to to the spirit I actually am. I am glad God is so forgiving, I felt so empty, so slow, so weak, so foolish, so unprepared... it was unexpected but the cause was definately recognizable. After humble prayer and study I felt the same great difference, but the other way, I had it back and maybe more. Perhaps that was a lesson I was meant to learn. Never the less, I am grateful, and sorry for what happened. There were two things said to me by close friends, first was: "That wasnt that bad, I do it all the time, why are you fretting?" and "I am glad you felt bad, because it means that you have the spirit with you." I appriciate the latter, I really know that God is real and he loves me, and everyone else, I've been feeling it the past three months, but I had become so accustomed to it I had begun to take it for granted.

Also this experiance has allowed me to see a contrast in two different emotions, love and dare I say "lust" though I think the word is too powerful. A girl that I would have had a crush on two years ago because she was pretty and she made me feel good no longer has that affect on me, in fact I felt sick, fear not, I didnt even kiss her, I just had a cuddle experiance! But on the other hand, I choose not to act upon the chemestry when I am around this other girl, because I love her, I dont want to do anything that would hurt her, I have an upmost respect for her. If she were still around when I got off my mission I imagine that I would take life to the next step with her. But that time is not now, that time is later, right now I am preparing to go on a mission, and she is helping me with that.

Intoxicated

*Speechless and silent* That is how I'm feeling right now. I feel beautiful, alive, aware, and so much more. I can't say to that I can pinpoint the cause. But I think I know what it is, because its becomeing more and more a familiar feeling.

Her.

She doesnt want to kiss till marrage. She's worth the wait. She doesn't want to be a girlfriend right now. She is worth the wait. She wants to go on a mission. She is worth the wait. She is kind, intellegent, beautiful, intuitive, giving, understanding, pure, helpful, and respectful... I could go on forever. I dont know if I am in love. But I know I do love her and if there is a better girl than her out there I'd like to meet this girl.

I want.... to be perfect, everything she wants. She has told me that there isnt anything about me that she does not like, but I want to be more, and I am becoming more.

Who knows, maybe this is all a fluke. But I feel alive.

In the name of Heaven

Love, learning, and the tired life

Hm... I hate missing people, well person. Geh.

I've started school, its really busy and I'm learning a lot. By the time it hits 9:30 I'm exhasted. I wake up at 5:30 though. I dunno, its good though.

I discovered that I love someone the other day. I've suspected it for a while but I tried to hold off the flood gates, I dont know what to do now. Its upsetting, I'm not afraid to do anything, but I don't want to be in love right now, there are more important things. Not to mention... before I persue her, I want to be everything I want to be, which corresponds with what she wants me to be. I think she might like me back. I can wait though. She is worth the wait.

In the name of waiting

Heart

I wonder, can I not sleep cause my heart is beating so fast. Or is my heart beating so fast because I cannot sleep?

Running

Wow. I've been running a lot lately, its hurting too. But it has also been been fun and good for me. Now I just need to start eating more again. Luckily I have a good running buddy, I run down the hill to her house everyday, then I run a few miles with her, then I run back uphill to my house. Its painful, but thankfully its just about the right balance. I have a bit more endurance than she does so it works out well.

And oh crap, I forgot to ask if she wants to go airsofting this weekend.

Opera

I am definately in a quiet mood right now. I'm happy, but thoughtful. It's odd. I'm listening to Death Cab For Cutie "I Will Possess Your Heart" Its a fantastic song. But really I like Death Cab in General.

The two weeks are over and things can start rolling again. :)

I went on a date last night, it was pretty darn fun, she is nice, but I dont think I am interested in her. She's just gorgeous. We went to the opera. I feel cultured now, it was really good.

I'm excited for this week, who knows what adventures I will take.

Happy

I'm poor, I'm single, I have a lame job, all of my friends are leaveing and I'm starting a stressful year of school.

And I'm happy. Ha! How did that work out? I dont know. Sometimes I get in my 'quiet' mood though. I dont really know how to describe the emotion there, I just feel quiet and ... aware. Its strange is as I can feel everything in and around me one hundered fold. But I am happy.

Strange

Again

It seems as though things are finally starting to look up for me again. As far as Love, Learning, and the Busy Life I'm definately going to be doing that again. I'm starting school, which is good, I'm really excited to finally expand my knowlege at a substancial level. That will make me busy as well. As far as love goes. I don't know if I have found love, but I definately found a good canidate. She is pretty, adventurous, kind, and smart. What else could one ask for? I think I'm ready for this stage in my life to re-begin. I never left it, I just took a break from it. I started doing nothing in particular ended up breaking my arm in the process which is now healing. Good thing too, cause I'm getting sick of it being broken.

Lame

Gah! I'm so lame! Why do I persist in doing things that make me even more upset at myself! God! I really want to bitch to someone right now. But I dont think that'll happen

What?

It strange, right now I have no love, no learning and I'm not busy. It's so strange, I was talking about love with some friends of mine (girls) and I just feel..... Gah! I dunno. Its just getting really weird I really want to fall in love, but I also want to be alone, but I dont know what I want more. Hmm.... Why is life so complicated?

Lonely

I've got a lot of friends that love me right now, but I'm just lonely and sad. I'm really missing those three. They've all moved on and yet my mind is stuck. I want a girl to love right now.

Hole

It seems as though they are all succeeding in life. Everyone I know: mission, marrage, love, school. They are all getting somewhere, everyone has something to look forward to. Except for me. I'm happy for them, it makes me very happy to see that they are all getting somewhere in life. But eventually it will only be me in the shadows of the hole that I dug myself. Over years I have just dug and dug. By the time I realized it, it was too late, all I could do is keep trying to climb out, each time falling, then digging some more. Then trying to climb out again. It seems so impossible.

Eventually I will move out. Inevitable. Soon. I'm tired of being dependent. And really, I dont want my parents to watch me suffer at my own inabilty to control myself. I am full of greed, lies, lust, envy, arrogance, and despair. I'm am the lowest of the low. I am a solitary peasant amoung kings and queens. I am a fool amoung the wise. I am worm compared to everyone I know, or even heard of.

Humbug man. It frustrates me beyond reason.

Random (I suggest you skip =P )

Okay, I guess I'm not done posting today. So really this post is quite irrelevent and I'm just going to write for a long time, so just feel free to skip it.

I just went to a missionary prep class, and I really dont feel like I was ready for it, a lot of the things said in there, belive it or not. Were way over my head, and my stupidity in life in general keeps me feeling dumb.

A lot of people are like, its your life you have full control. Idiots. A lot of other people say God will help you if you put faith. Ghaaa! I know, but for some reason I'm an idiot. I have little to no self control and apparently if you cant help yourself you are not going to get help from diety. I have other friends that are like. I'll help you Jeremy. What the crap can you do?? Nothing. Really, even if I told you the problem. It would not help any, not me or you.

Blegh, I'm glad no one reads these posts, they might raise a lot of questions. Its just nice to write sometimes. I would write in other area's but I really dont feel like actual writing, and anything I end up writing on word I never look at again. So I suppose I'm just taking a risk by writing in here.

So.......... I like pie (still)

In fact, if I was back at the begining I would have not only said that you could, I would have recomended skipping this post. Oh well. I guess I could go up and ad that in, but I'd rather not, I would much rather people read until they get to this part.

Anywho, I guess that was all I could get out, though for some reason I still want to write. Stupid curse.

Hermit

I belive now. I think I really do, there has been a lot of work in trying to figure it out for myself. now I know that I do belive, and no matter what it takes I am going to do my best to live what I belive.

And that brings me to my next point. I dont think that I am ever going to work things out for myself. I've been stuck in the same stage for a long time in my life, if I never break free, that means I will never progress in my life, never get married, never go on a mission.

*sigh*

I can do it. And I will.

Tired

I'm really tired, and I'm really dumb. I dont really think I want to interprit what that means either. Shoot, I really should be sleeping right now, but I'm too busy not sleeping.

I miss love. I would take any of them back in a heartbeat. I know I would, little good it would do me though, it would end up in flames, just as it did before. There has got to be someone out there for me, somewhere..... maybe.

I'm trying to turn my life back around again. I'm doing a terrible job at it. I can get to a certain point easily, but then it all just haults at a standstill. I'm feeling kind of retarded, maybe I am. I wouldnt be surprised if I found out.

All my friends are going on missions, I'm really happy for them, but at the same time I am sad, sad that they are not going to be around, and sad that I can't make myself be better. I have less control over myself than anyone else. That is sad.

Goodnight